Beverly’s Story

My mother died when I was only 11 months old; her death was never explained to me by anyone, not my father or the care system I was placed in. I grew up not knowing who I was; I was only informed of my birthday 27^th December 1959 at nearly 12 years old when I was put into the care system.

I began my journey to find out about my history following recovery of the most unbelievable and horrifying memory recall. I had collapsed through sheer exhaustion and lack of sleep, as the shock of recovering my memory threw my whole body and mind into turmoil. I began to experience flashbacks and relived my trauma so vividly that I was in shock twenty four hours a day and night; it was relentless eventually leading to my collapse.

Horrifyingly, one of the catalysts for my recall was discovering that my family had been targeted by child abusers living in the area in 1997/98 in York (we have moved since). I was consequently terrorised for reporting and desperately trying to find out what had been done to one of my loved ones. Eventually the NSPCC listened and an independent investigation was carried out. I was informed it was organised abuse and it seems this shock was the main catalyst for my recall. Though in hindsight, I can now recognise my memories were always trying to push through.

On recall I immediately realised why I had been vulnerable all my life and my unexplained difficulties now made sense.  Finding out about organised child abuse for the first time in my life and what one of my children was revealing to me in fragments almost destroyed my health completely. To this day I do not know if the perpetrators have been caught and stopped from harming others. I did everything I could and whilst doing the right thing I was clearly aware I was being threatened with my life. Later when I recalled the crimes committed against me as a child the terrorisation increased. My life was hell; too much to detail to go into right now. But I did report three times to the police all the information I could and two barristers looked at my case and one taped a statement.

One barrister said mine was one of the severest cases he had ever come across. And whilst in hospital a nurse said after reading my file that if I was told what happen to me as a child I would have nightmares for the rest of my life. I have remembered so much horror including being buried for a number of days and nights in a grave and hung from a tree. I was saved by someone and taken in an ambulance to hospital. I suffered a head injury at this time, as the person who got me down dropped me. I was only 8 years old when this happened. I was in a coma (it seems) and also seems my brain was operated on so I would not remember, later it seems I was placed with nuns in some sort of rehab institution these memories are still blurry.

I have for 14 years been requesting my medical records to date they are kept from me. I had been taken to a church yard, St Mary’s, Sheffield, and tortured raped by two men whilst others wearing gowns watched.

Daily life at my stepmothers was a constant fight to survive, physically and mentally; beatings and complete neglect were the norm. Being made to endure sleep deprivation, beatings until I was unconscious, locked in cellar, raped by my stepmother friends, made to stay out in cold wandering alone as a child; there is so much more detail here to tell here. I now know why one GP called it torture; another likened my life to the Nazi camps. There were strange events, like being made to go downstairs in only a vest before school, to be beaten with a cane. Again there is so much more detail to share here. Eventually my own half siblings were made to harm me and I was subjected to terror daily and used sexually. My recovered memories are horrific. I also bear physical wounds inflicted on me.

All 11 years of my medical notes are kept from me, although social services have records from at least 1963 showing the nursery I was in and the date I was sent to Sheffield. There are also reports saying how profoundly damaged I was when I went into care at 11 years. The rest is kept hidden. When I first inquired I was informed by Social Services only certain people can have access a solicitor. They advised that my notes are "too sensitive".

A new NSPCC officer came to visit me, alone. Prior to this visit my siblings had warned me not to speak to this person and that this person would harm me. In fact this new officer seemed to know I was being harmed and following this intervention I was placed in care. Whilst in care when my past traumatic experiences began to unfold I was taken to a psychiatrist and diagnosed with depression. I was medicated to calm me and help me sleep. This was apparently how I was managed; this method was continued throughout my life. When I visited my GP due to panic attacks and symptoms I could not comprehend, it was always medication, medication, medication.

Now that I understand, and having gone through, and am still going through my recovery without medication, I am aware my mind it healing naturally. It is slow, so painful and heart breaking. My losses are huge; my own father, now gone, was kept from me. I can never have what would have been a genuine relationship my father who was a gentle, unobtrusive Latvian man suffering much himself. Years and years have been spent in survival when I should have been growing and developing; I now am studying, trying to catch up.

Whilst living at my stepmothers there were numerous attempts to murder me. I was so horrified and ill when I finally recalled this information; I did not want to believe humans could do these things. On my recall of these memories the same past tactics were tried, i.e. you are crazy, you imagined it and the men in white coats will lock you up. There has been repeated and numerous attempts to discredit me. The stress and shock of this information could completely send a person over the edge but I have kept going and still survive knowing always I am doing what I know to be right.

In a nutshell I was tortured from a very tiny baby/toddler in a cot until 11 years old when the intervention of an NSPCC officer Mr. Jenkins came to visit me and soon after that visit I was put in a children's home. Previously a NSPCC officer had been visiting the house I resided in for around 7 years and a step sister of mine had indicated to me he was dodgy. My father had remarried following the death of my mother and baby brother and oddly, my father did not live with us, but visited. On the occasions he called in, I was repeatedly warned by my step mother not to speak to him; my step mother hid from my father the abuse she was subjecting me to.

Today, 27^th December 2014, is my birthday and I wanted to give myself a birthday present which was to allow myself to write these words and not feel ashamed of being a defenceless child who survived the most inhuman treatment.

I am uncertain of how much to say regarding what happened more recently in 1997 as that information is about a different person, who is now old enough to speak for themselves. I have informed the relevant persons to try to get this dealt with as we know child abuse is still going on today but is now being looked at, especially historical cases like mine.

I hope this outpouring makes sense to you and I thank you for giving me this opportunity.

Beverly

Written by Beverly on 27th December 2014 (her birthday) & published 27.01.15 with permission by Team Inspire.

27.01.15